I recently read a writing that one of my friends posted on Facebook called, The Last Time. Oh my gosh, y’all, I couldn’t even handle it. I wasn’t but two sentences in when the crying started and it didn’t stop. The Last Time is about your babies growing up and it being the last time that you do something. The key is that you don’t know when the last time will happen; it just kind of does.
Reading this came at a time when I’ve already been feeling sad about my son growing up and being at school. I miss the fact that we can’t go to the zoo on a random Tuesday anymore. I miss pushing him on a swing at the playground. I miss having him around all of the time, even at the grocery store. It’s such a hard adjustment for me, and I’m sure for so many other moms too. It’s one of those things that’s bittersweet. I’m thrilled he’s thriving and growing up, but damn, I wish time would slow down just a little bit. It all goes by way too fast.
It makes me think back to the the times when we were at the grocery store and I was hoping we could just make it from Point A (grocery store) to Point B (car) without any distractions. No Buddy Bucks (a grocery store thing for kids). No free cookie. No stopping in the toy aisle. Just to get my groceries, check out, and leave. Yesterday I would have given anything to have my son at the grocery store with me asking for a Buddy Buck. But he’s over Buddy Bucks now and not interested in the least.
It makes me think of the times when I had to go to the mall to get my eyebrows threaded and I was just hoping he wouldn’t ask to play in the mall play area. Playing in the mall area would lead to having lunch in the food court and then riding the carousel and there were other things that needed to be done. Yesterday while getting my eyebrows threaded, I looked at the other moms with a little jealously. I wanted my son there to ask to play in the play area too. But again, he’s just not into that as much as he once was. Plus, he was at school. The time has come and gone.
Yesterday him and I were sitting at the kitchen table just talking about nothing in particular. Then he asked me about Heaven and if our bodies as we know it go to Heaven. Talk about being caught off guard! I explained to him the best I could about what I believe Heaven is and as I thought he was going to ask another serious question, I love that he asked a 5-year-old question. “Does God have iPads in Heaven?”
I guess my point is that while I did and continue to take time with my son, I’m guilty of brushing things off so that I can run the rest of my errands or hurry home faster to do the dishes, for example. I guess you just never think that it will be the last time that your child does something or asks to play with your hair. You always think it will happen again. And if it was the last time and doesn’t happen again, you beat yourself up and think about what a terrible mom you are for taking it for granted.
While I know that there is no such thing as a perfect mom, I do wish that I wouldn’t have rushed so much in the past. I wish I wouldn’t have cared about dirty dishes sitting in my sink. I wish that I had cherished every moment a little more. I wish I knew just how much I’d miss all of the little things.
The really amazing thing is that he is only 5-years-old so I have time. I have time to change and appreciate the stage he’s in now. Appreciate that he wants to color with me and build Lego’s with me. I’m like a little girl on Christmas morning when he comes home from school. I cannot wait to see him and I’ve been making more of an effort to really take it all in now and enjoy everything, just in case it’s the last time.