Falling in Love with Myself, Little by Little

image of champagneAfter hitting “publish” on my post yesterday, I was proud of myself. Like genuinely proud of myself. So much so it called for a celebration! I got dressed, put on makeup, did my hair all cute and wavy, and left my room to go to a bar to have a glass of bubbly. As I was sitting at the bar, the bartender struck up small talk with me and asked if I was celebrating anything particular. I smiled and replied, “Yes! I am celebrating me“. I’m sure he probably thought I was a little cray-cray, but he did entertain me by asking what I meant. I told him that I had just written a blog post from my heart and that it was the first time in about 1.5 years that I have done that. I told him that I was proud of myself and that it called for a celebration.

How often do you celebrate your victories,
no matter how big or small they are?

image of stampede paradeAs I sat at the bar drinking my champagne and reflecting back on my day, I just couldn’t help but smile. I wish there was some way that I could bottle up that energy and feeling because it felt SO damn good. I realized that it was also the first time I’ve ever sat at a bar alone and that made me feel like I had my big girl panties on. Another proud moment.

I wanted to take in the feeling of being 100% present and in that moment, but that’s really hard for me to do. Plus, soccer was on the television there and unless I’m watching one of my son’s soccer games, this girl just isn’t into it anywhere else. I pulled out my phone and texted some of my friends my “big news”. My texts were met with happiness all around and it was such great feeling. You know, as I mentioned previously, being vulnerable isn’t my thing. It’s a scary place and one that I’m not very familiar with. It’s a place that I have chosen to push away so that I don’t have to put myself out there and possibly get hurt. Or judged. Or anything negative that can go along with that.

image of struggle and triumphBut, I know that I have to do the uncomfortable. I know that putting myself out there is a great thing and, most importantly, it’s the only way that I will grow into a better version of myself. So that’s exactly what I did. I admitted that I’ve had a block and that writing has not been so fun for me for some time, but that I climbed over that barrier and did it.

And it felt amazing!

This morning I sent a Facebook message to Cara Alwill Leyba because everyone deserves to hear positive feedback. She’s mentioned on her podcasts that she’s a “one woman show”, so I felt pretty positive that she would read my message and I was hopeful that she would write me back. In my message, I told her how I found her podcast, bought her new book, and am loving everything that’s happening all around me. To be honest, there was a lot of word vomit going on. I just typed as fast as my fingers could go… I think I might have even said that I am “kind of obsessed with her” right now. I didn’t want to think too much about the message because I wanted to send it. Sometimes when I think too much about something my head can get in the way and I didn’t want to not send it for that dumb reason. Her message back was really sweet and I don’t think she thinks I’m some weirdo that’s literally obsessed with her (out of all the words I could have said, surely there was something better I could have used). For a second, after I read her reply and my original message, I thought about replying back with an apology of sorts – like obsessed wasn’t really the best word to use, blah, blah, blah, but then I decided to just own what I said. It was how I was feeling in that moment and so I didn’t reply back with an “I’m sorry”.

The “I’m sorry” gets in the way of being who we are.

And it certainly gets in the way of our confidence level increasing so I remained quiet about it. Truth be told though, I have been listening to her podcast back to back to back and reading her book, so I guess you could say that I’m the good kind of obsessed right now 🙂 I’m obsessed with the tools she’s given me so that I can fall in love with myself.

And that’s the best part.

image of being aloneI have had so much alone time while being in Calgary and I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. I’ve embraced so much. I feel different on the inside. I can feel myself growing in a more positive way. I can feel the worries of people judging me slipping away. I can feel the good energy radiating from me. I have had a constant smile on my face for days and it’s been the best. I still have so much to learn, but I feel myself getting there little by little.

And that’s the best part.

 

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