Day 12: Down 11.6 lbs & feeling a little sad. Whaaaat?!

image of Kristin HawthorneYesterday marked the end of my monthly visitor so I went to bed excited to wake up and step on the scale. Today is Day 12 of my new life and I’ve been so crazy proud of myself. Something in me has most definitely shifted and I feel like I’m getting to that place of being comfortable in my skin. While I feel like the outside of me is starting to change and look different, I can’t even describe how I feel on the inside. I know there’s been a lot changing and developing going on in there and I’ve felt incredible lately. Invincible almost.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve never been the type to really stick to anything when the going got tough. Or when life got in the way. Or when friends wanted to do something. I was so easily influenced and dropped what was *supposed* to be important to me at the time. I’ve given up on myself so much in the past and when I set out to make these huge changes now, I just knew deep down in my soul that the outcome would be different this time.

This time I would be disciplined.

This time I would put myself first.

This time I would not be easily influenced.

This time I would say “no” to things that might tempt me.

This time my foundation would be personal growth books & podcasts on the daily.

This time would be my time.

And, for these past 12 days, I’ve been killing it. Like really, y’all. KILLING it. I’ve been disciplined to the point of being kind of anal, but I’m rolling with it because I know it’s what I need to do right now. I know that I need to be so specific about my day so that there’s no room for falling off. I know that my meals need to be planned. I know that my exercise is doing amazing for my body, but it’s also been fantastic for my mind.

There’s been a shift and I’m absolutely loving it!

Yesterday I got dressed in my workout clothes as I do every morning before school drop off. My plan is always the same: Do my 30 minutes of walking/jogging after the school drop off. It was raining though and I didn’t feel like getting wet. Sounds silly, but it was also super hot out and I didn’t want to mess up my hair since I just shampooed it the day before. I know, I know, don’t judge! I looked at the weather app and it was supposed to stop raining after lunch, so I figured I would switch up my routine and go for a walk later. Well, my walk didn’t happen yesterday. I got so busy with making some Keto meals and the yummiest Keto-friendly dessert (recipe to come) that before I knew it I needed to leave to be in car line.

But I gave myself grace and realized how proud I was of myself for exercising every other day and allowed the fact that I missed out yesterday to not be a bad thing. I think that pretty much sums up how life should be: balance and grace. Things won’t always go according to plan and you’ll have to make some adjustments. The important part is to just keep going and to keep your head up. It’s the fall down 5 times, get up 6 times kind of thing.

Which brings me to this morning.

I mentioned how excited I was to wake up this morning and to weigh myself and here’s why. First, it’s been about a week since I last stepped on the scale and second, I felt really amazing in my workout clothes yesterday. I just felt like there was a noticeable change in my body in the clothes I was wearing. There was a little more pep in my step walking in the grocery store because I felt really good about myself and the direction I’m going in. How I felt then reaffirmed how disciplined I’ve been and how proud of myself I am. If I’m being honest, I could not wait to step on the scale.

I woke up and went to the bathroom and then had this feeling on the inside like, “Maybe you shouldn’t weigh yourself this morning. Maybe it’s going to put you in a bad mood. Maybe you should wait”. I guess if I listened to myself it would mean that this post wouldn’t happen, so maybe there was a great reason after all.

In true rebel-against-myself form, I stepped on the scale. I saw the number, felt a mixture of feeling proud of myself and feeling disappointed at the same time, and then pulled up the calculator app on my phone to do a little subtraction. Then I had that little voice tell me “told you, you shouldn’t have weighed yourself this morning”.

My phone let me know that I’ve lost 11.6 lbs since March 25! That is amazing. That is such a big number. That represents me sticking to something and being disciplined. I am SO proud of myself, you have no idea.

But I also felt a little down on myself too and it doesn’t make sense. At all. I know that’s a huge number of weight to drop in a short amount of time. I know it’s an amazing number to mark that’s gone.

Y’all, it’s crazy how my mind works. CRAZY. Like I KNOW.

I think I was hoping to get out of the 190’s and into the 180’s, even if it was 189.9. To see 191.6 on the scale, 11.6 lbs gone or not, it messed with my head. It made me feel not good enough. It made me feel like 11.6 lbs isn’t awesome enough. It tried to take away from me what I’ve lost and tried to make me feel less than.

But I won’t let it.

I freakin’ know that 11.6 lbs in just 11 days (holy shit, you guys) is amazing and unreal and fantastic and so cool and just all the things. I KNOW.

I also know that I will not let that little voice get the best of me. I WILL NOT. I am worth it. I am deserving. I will celebrate this victory. I will celebrate myself. I will recognize how awesome losing 11.6 lbs is. I will do all the things because I am armed with all the love, support, personal growth and more. I’ve got this. I love myself. I believe in myself. I am rising. This is me and I am unstoppable.

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