5-4-3-2-1 …Here goes nothing… At the Rise conference I was challenged by Trent Shelton to post something on social that not too many people know about me. As someone who used to like to hide, this was absolutely terrifying. But, I’ve learned that I have to show myself because you never know who is watching & who can be inspired from your narrative.
Back in 2005 I had a thriving online business where I shared my story & helped so many other women who felt pretty alone in their struggles. I was happy, but still living in a place of not being sure of the person I was meant to be and that got the best of me. Not sure why, but I like to rebel against myself and I totally sabotaged this business and gave up on myself. Big time.
I started to worry about what other’s would think if they knew this secret about me. I thought sharing it with the real people in my life would make me weak. I even used my maiden name as to do everything I could to keep it something entirely separate from my highlights on social. Even on the homepage of my blog, there is a small blurb about it on the left side AND putting it there, out in the open for all to see, gave me crazy nerves that sent shivers down my spine.
And that’s the thing… so often, as women especially, we compare our life to everyone else’s highlight reel without really knowing what’s going on behind closed doors. And, you know like I do, there’s always so much more going on than what we are shown on social.
After spending a weekend with a ton of other like-minded women at Rise and hearing Rachel Hollis, I decided no more. I’ve felt so lost for such a long time and I was hoping to leave Rise with clarity. The best part is that I left Rise with even more clarity that I could have imagined. I came home ready to unpack all my past shit and to be completely open from now on.
I want to share my story with others because maybe there’s just that one person that needs to hear that they aren’t alone in what he/she is going through. Maybe it’s just being a ray of sunshine for the most part while admitting that things aren’t always so fantastic all of the time. Maybe it’s just saying “I’ve been there & I understand”.
So many of us (women) like to hide behind what we think we should be. How we should look. How we should act. The clothes we should wear. The size we should be. The happiness factor has a scale and we have to look like xyz to fit in… Only we don’t. It is up to us and only us to live our lives as we want and see fit. To do the things that make us happy. To wear the clothes we feel confident in. To try not to fit in, but to boldly show the world that we are different and that that is beautiful.
So, let’s have a real chat right now. Allow me to introduce myself to you as someone that you know on a surface level.
Hey girl hey, I’m Kristin. I’m smart. I’m confident. I love myself so much. But I haven’t always felt this way. I suffered from Binge Eating Disorder in the past. From the time I was about 16 years old until I was about 24 years old, I struggled with food so much and for all the things. Happy? Celebrate with food. Sad? Drown myself in food. Feeling insecure? Eat and eat until I felt hidden.
Let me also say that around 2004 I felt like, “Hmm, this is weird and I don’t know that my relationship with food is a healthy one“. I googled and found nothing. NOTHING. I couldn’t find a single thing about what I was feeling so I felt kind of crazy… but deep down, I knew I wasn’t. I knew there was a life where food did not occupy my every thought. So I set out on an adventure to figure it out… and figure it out, I did!
Fast-forward to now and it’s been a long time since this was a part of my life, but this is what my business was about. I wrote an ebook about my struggles and how I got better. I did ecourses where I sent out weekly lessons. I did coaching on the phone. I had a forum where people could connect. Y’all, it was all pretty amazing <3
And now, I am going to do it all again but make it bigger and better. I have struggled with weight for what seems to be like forever. In fact, these pictures… Whoa. Nothing like putting yourself out there with the biggest bang ever! The picture on the left is me on March 26, 2019. The picture on the right is me today.
It’s hard to post because it makes me feel so extremely vulnerable, but you know what, that’s why I’m doing it. I am doing it scared. That tummy that isn’t super flat carried my baby. My sweet little boy! It may never be flat again, and that’s okay. I want to enjoy an ice cream cone with him on his birthday. AND I can appreciate that I am rewriting my story and that I’m not even close to perfect (who is?). I’m going to wear that bikini because I feel good in it. I have come a long way and while there’s more to go, I am pretty damn proud of myself for losing 38lbs so far.
Back in March though, I could have never guessed that I would be here in these shoes feeling all confident and stuff. I was at my lowest point ever in March. I weighed the most I ever have in my entire life in March. Yes, even more than I did when pregnant. That, my friends, is a hard pill to swallow. I didn’t weigh a lot because I was bingeing though; it was entirely different. I gained weight because I lost myself. I stopped loving myself. I stopped seeing my worth. I gave up on all things me.
I can look back and see just how sad I was. It shows in my face. In fact, when I showed my son these two pictures in a bikini, he commented about how sad I looked in the “before” pictures and how happy I look in the “after” picture in the white bathing suit. He sees it. I see it. I hope you can see it to give you hope if you are struggling. It feels like a complete shitstorm when you are feeling so low about yourself. I know. But I also know what it’s like to love yourself so completely, flaws and all. And y’all, it’s so much better on this side of it.
So here I am.. a little lighter in my weight, a lot happier in my heart, lots of love for myself, and ready to be seen and stop hiding. I am going to show up every damn day because I am worth it.
And you are too!
** If you struggle with body image, an eating disorder, low self-esteem or anything else, please message me. I would love to help you. I would love to just hear you out and for you to know that you aren’t alone in this battle. I want to empower you, even if it’s drinking a little more water right off the bat. I want you to know that you are worth it and so important in this life.